(official) Birthday post coming soon...

Last week, you called your ankle "the waist of [your] leg." Tonight you insisted, "only round money goes to the bank, not the rectangular kind!"

As of May 15th, you are 5 and we are learning more about this amazing age every day.

Last night

"Mom, I love you every day -- I'll love you forever. You are the best mom ever! I love you so much. I love to give you kisses? Can I rub your neck? Do you feel better?

Dad, you are going to live in Asia, where there are a lot of storms. You will live there when you are a grandpa. You can't live with us.

Mom, I want to live with you when I'm grown up, but Dad won't be here. Only girls -- we'll put up a sign on the house that says, 'girls only.' (Whispered) Right, mom?!"

(Laughter)

Guess I'm ranking high this week!

Conversation: health

L - "Tomorrow, you are going to take a break from coffee."

M- "Really?! No way."

L- "No, not you. Dad. Dad drinks way too much coffee."

M- [Laughs]

L- "He needs to eat more healthy things."

M- "Is that so?"

L- "Yes! He needs to eat more apples."

M- "Why does he need to eat more healthfully?"

L- "Because he needs to eat more healthy things. That's all!"

Grace in Small Things: 5 of 365

1. "I'm going to change Myra's last name to Pretty...actually, to Nice."

2. Your excitement about sports, especially at the baseball game last night.

3. Watching your "kids" grow and change: today, you were measuring them to see how much they've grown.

4. Mamma Mia sung in a restaurant bathroom. I'd never heard you sing the song before -- you said you learned it from friends at school.

5. Impromptu dancing!

Grace in Small Things: 4 of 365

1. Watching your first Buddhist precept ceremony -- you received a beautiful mala after making your promises.

2. Dancing to "What A Feeling."

3. Listening to Nana read you every book you wanted to hear!

4. You LOVE cilantro and declared the dinner tonight was perfect and wonderful.

5. Making brownies with you: even though you don't like chocolate, you enjoy baking them for other loved ones.

Grace in Small Things: 3 of 365

Things you've said this week:

1. "Weren't you paying attention?! Do you even know what's going on?" (Said while discussing the Sprout show Angelina Ballerina. Apparently I didn't "get" the plot.)

2. "You're a SHAMELESS mom!" (Spoken in harsh tones--but delivered with a smile--to me because I was teasing Dad while climbing the stairs to bed.

3. You have this way of telling us how far you want us to leave your pocket-style bedroom door open at night. "Leave it a little bit lower" has, until this week, been your way of saying you just want a sliver of light coming through. This week, "I want it a little backer" is your new way of communicating you want it open a bit wider.

4. You've been falling asleep in the car on the way home from school. It is an instant -- and deep -- sleep wherein you want to be held on the couch before settling into dinner. You press you cheek into my chest and mumble a shoe removal request before slumbering for a few, blissful, moments.

5. "I love you so much too, Mom. Is tomorrow a hang out day or a school day?"

Grace in Small Things: 2 of 365

1. Pink tights and extra-small, pastel, cotton camisoles

2. Compound words you learned to read: starfish, bathtub

3. "I jump and jump so I can be big and strong!"

4. Strawberry Shortcake socks

5. Springwater School (fingers crossed!)

Grace in Small Things: 1 of 365

No excuses. Let's get started! A wonderful blogger called Schmutzie started Grace in Small Things back in November. I finally decided it may be easier to remember the little things as they are -- beautiful little bites of our days together.

*******

1. "You are my favorite friend," words of thanks for organizing our house.

2. Listening to you play on your own and taking care of your babies.

3. Sparkly shoes and spring skirts -- bouncing, blond curls.

4. Your patience and adoration.

5. Birthday party stories told to the ophthalmologist at LensCrafters. Without asking, you explained exactly how your hot pink glasses became bent: "I climbed up this HUGE wall and then I was sliding down and my friends were there and we tumbled into each other! I didn't cry, but my glasses were bent. Wow."

Funny dream

This morning as I was coaxing you into the day -- you asked me to cover you up, but not to talk, and not to kiss you -- you turned and said, "I had a funny dream." "Really?" I replied. "Yes! A mom had a mustache! Isn't that funny?" you croaked out in your cute, groggy voice.

The light in your eyes -- the light of remembering a dream -- was a new light. We've talked about bad dreams before, but sometimes I've wondered if you've been making them up as conversation starters. This time, I could tell it was a real memory of your subconscious meanderings.

gifts

You received many wonderful things on this holiday season, but one of the most generous was a gift of money. It was delivered in paper bills in shiny, green tin. After discussing what could be purchased with the money, I tucked it away for safe keeping. A moment later, you said, "where's the cash? I want to hold it!"

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The Santa Issue

While reading "The Night Before Christmas" tonight before bed.

"I wish Santa was real."

"What?!" Cue: looks of horror, both of us wondering what to say.

"Do you think he's real?"

"My Santa is real." You mean the Santa you see at Bridgeport Village. Side note--when you've seen other pictures of Santa, you've asked, "did Santa change his face?" That dude is the Santa to you and all others must be...not real?

Looking at the picture you exclaim, "look at him flying around!"

"Does your Santa fly around?"

"No! No, he walks!"

"He does?"

"Okay, actually he drives a minivan! That's what he does."

Homestretch & Promises

Another year of NaBloPoMo is coming to a close. I am thankful to the amazing woman who came up with the idea, and the thousands of others who participate. There is something to be said for a seed that gets a practice going.

All of my life I have struggled with practices: writing, painting, meditation. I need to be in a group of some kind to really do the hard work. In past years, I have tried to put out a promise that I would write more, or better, or at least more earnestly, for you. Every year I have failed.

It seems that parenting is a collection of daily failures; in voice and in action. My attempts, although often sloppy, are genuine. I am so proud of who you are quickly becoming.

When you were a tiny baby, I told you that being a sensitive person is okay. Crying or exhibiting fear--even when it seems exaggerated or unnecessary--is just fine. I want you to feel good about your emotions, even when they don't match the world's expectations.

You are reading real words now, and working with numbers. Everywhere we go you are sounding out and decoding the written word. You like to count everything and can add up how many errands we have to run, or things we need to pick up at the store.

So my promise to you is not how many times I'll write in a week or a month, but how I will compose and record my thoughts. In the past, I've been hesitant to write down 'real' goings-on. That is, if I'm frustrated with an interaction, I tend to pull away from writing here. I'm going to turn that around and see where it takes me. I want this to be a true record, no matter how sappy or negative I may be feeling at the time.

That being said -- I love you and will always love you no matter what path you choose. Tonight at dinner, you said, "When I grow up, I'm going to have a baby in my belly." I felt a surge of nerves and anxiety fill up my chest because I just can't imagine it. I can't imagine your spot at the table empty. But I can't let the worry of what may be--what will be--overtake me.

Please dear, let me hold your hand a few more years.

Bugle -- a guest post from Dad

Your grandpa has a yen for old instruments picked up from thrift stores and church basements. On this trip, you have taken up the bugle. It's true! Your sense of voice, tone, and craftsmanship seems to move up by the minute.

Tonight you were doing an almost spot-on version of Jingle Bells, one of the first songs that you learned to sing. Yesterday, you recorded a song. You simply love Papa's bugle.

Since your baby days, you have resisted any attempts that I have made to play guitar. It has been a source of grief and frustration over the years. Now, with bugle in hand, you are asking me to grab the guitar and "be the clown" in your marching band. As clown, I get to play guitar. I am not only playing, we are finding audiences of pretend friends and citizens all over the house. You cue me and that is fine. In fact, it is as it should be.

I have played guitar on and off for almost twenty years. During that time, I have never been invited into a real band; until now. I can't think of any bugler I would rather follow, anybody's clown who I would rather be. Send me the cues, I will pluck and strum the funk and love of each moment as it unfolds. Let the band play on!

Star of the show

Taken tonight...
My little sweetie, stealing the light.
But I'll gladly give it to you.
xo

Happy Thanksgiving

I am thankful for many things. You--well, you are thankful for a lot of stuff too. But today, you were totally excited about blueberry muffins. Thank you for making them with me, my lovely.

Family time

We are at Nana and Papa's house for the next few days. This morning when you realized that we were spending the night, you got really exited. "We're staying? Overnight? For how long?! I'm so excited!!"

When we finally pulled up in front of the house, it was almost past your bedtime and you wiggled and giggled your way out of the car seat. As the years have passed, you have become more and more elated to reconnect with your grandparents. This time, you leaped into Papa's arms and I know he's been anticipaing the love you save just for him. Nana stood waiting on the porch, beaming.

You are asleep now, in my childhood room. Rest well, my sweet.

The Village

Today Miss A. talked with you about your Bedtime Behavior. You respect her as a teacher and as your main babysitter, so we knew a conversation would make an impression. After school, we asked you what you two had talked about; you replied, "ahh, it's a long story. I don't want to talk about it." So we didn't push you, and, consequently, bedtime was short and sweet.

You brought home your first packet of "homework" tonight and worked on it diligently. You are so interested in learning and growing. Looking at your written numbers, letters and words--seeing the pride in your eyes--well, I am just so proud of you. It's no wonder you sometimes sob and cry and writhe around.

I promise--at least I promise to try--not to push you too aggressively, if you promise to respect your own boundaries. Those boundaries will shift and change, of course. My wish for you is that you learn all you want to know (and more).

Committed.

So I promised myself that I would see this 'month of posting' to your blog through to the end. Hell, sometimes these months of posting are the most I write all year. It's important, and I'm thankful for the challenge. Mostly.

Earlier, while you were screaming in your bed, refusing to sleep, my finger hoovered over the "create new post" button. I didn't want to push that button. I wanted to walk away.

But here I am.
There were moments this evening I understood why, perhaps, women end up rocking away, in dark corners of their bedrooms or with tangled-up brains, hiding in the basement.

A part of me has been there, but not as a parent. What's frightening, though, are the gray corners of that image that creep in--start surrounding me.

There is no regret, but sometimes the vastness of this responsibility is heavy.

Letter to a robber

Tonight when we got home from our night and day away from home, you noticed that a few lights were on inside. You asked if someone was already home, and dad explained that we left some lights on so it looked like the house was occupied. Of course you wanted to understand why we would leave lights on, and dad told you that the lights keep potential robbers away.

I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to enter into a discussion about burglars, but here we were. Since it was not my idea, I allowed dad to attempt an explanation without scaring the, uh, crap out of you. The idea that someone could come into our house and be here, uninvited, much less take any of our stuff creeps me out plenty; I chose not to be the explainer this time.

Anyway, after the discussion and going round and around -- yes, people could break in, but no, it probably wouldn't happen and, yes, that's what the security system is for but, no, you shouldn't be afraid -- you set to work on a project.

After 10 minutes or so, you came into the kitchen with a note for any potential robbers. It is written on adding machine tape and you insisted that we post it on the door. According to you, it says, "robber, don't come into our house. I don't want you to take my work. And Myra. She'll run away, so don't come in." Additionally, you want to create a special piece of artwork for any potential robber to take instead of something else he or she may want. Your reasoning is thus: if you make something nice for them (a painting, or even some nice needlework!), then they won't want the other stuff...right? Right?!

You seem to understand that sometimes people don't have what they need, and so they may do bad things to change that circumstance. I think it's lovely you believe that the power of the written word--and your own creativity--could help turn that negativity away (literally) at the door.

November sleepover #2

We are at our friends' house for our family dinner and sleepover. In the morning we will have a quick breakfast and then head to Buddhist Sunday school, which we all enjoy.

Lots of hangout days ahead.

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